We're Engaged!

First order of business: the latest Blog Carnival is up over at Raging Server! Thanks Ribeye!

I really wanted to post yesterday, but I ended up closing, so it didn't happen.

My Hot Topic for yesterday was rotation. I really do not understand rotation in our restaurant. Scenario: The restaurant's full and we start accumulating a wait. I'm not really sure what happens, but eventually we end up holding four-top tables to push them together for the large parties that are waiting...even though we have a decent small-top wait as well. We seat the big-tops, crash the kitchen, and we're still on a small-top wait. The rotation needs to be moderated. We are a restaurant made for speed, and I have learned that "flat-seating" the kitchen is accepted and expected. It's weird. Personally, if the hostesses had half an atom-sized brain, they could probably figure out that they are controlling the flow of the entire restaurant. But they don't know a thing. They bend everyone over for two hours every night, we recover, and do it all over again the next day....gluttons for punishment I guess.


Today was a horse of a different color...I was in the first section, which usually = $$$ but the moron hostesses thought that seating me with one-tops for my first two tables was a good way to start a semi-busy Thursday lunch. I didn't really let it bother me 'cause people were flocking in, and I thought turnin' and burnin' would be easy. If only the breeze lasted longer...it definitely wasn't that busy, and even mid-shift was lame.

It was a fine day, one through which classic stories are born: Our establishment is full of windows--floor to ceiling--today, one of our hostesses saw a man take the garbage from his car and throw it into the parking lot. I was standing by the front door when he entered, and she said: "Excuse me sir, I need to talk to you. Our establishment is filled with windows, and we saw you take the trash from your car and throw it in our parking lot. Now it has blown everywhere, and will be someone's responsibility to clean. Next time, could you use the trash cans provided?" The guy was dumbfounded...and foreign...but he did apologize. I'm sure he was embarrassed too--the girl he was with met him at our establishment...she had no idea he was such a litterbug! I gotta say, I am ultra-proud of our hostess!


There is one peeve I have about the day, but, of course, I need to give a preface...On Saturday afternoon, I was scheduled to work at 4, but I went in about 50 minutes early, to get food. We don't have a break room, so we typically take one of the tables in the back two sections, and it becomes a server table. No big whoop. Well, the MOD (manager on duty) was in a "tood" (having an attitude and in a mood) and, even though the back room was EMPTY, he told us he was opening up all the sections in the back, and we would have to eat in dry storage!...something about us taking someone else's table in someone else's section. The back was EMPTY...I just had to say it again...Anywho...that same manager was working today, and, granted, it is a Thursday versus the Saturday I spoke of, but I want to point out that our back room was jam packed today. Interestingly enough, I see a hostess popping a squat at one of the tables in the back room. I couldn't believe it, really. Saturday, empty back room, make everyone go eat in dry storage...Thursday, packed back room, let hostess eat in someone's section, at someone's table--oh, yes, my friends, one more glorious addition to my list of inconsistencies within my current establishment. I didn't really let it get to me...I blew it off my shoulders, through to the ink, down into the pen, onto my little list, into my pocket, and onto my blog.

While I'm griping, I might as well add to the list in my previous post: Advice for Patrons

9. When I come back to the table a few minutes after the food is delivered, I am not doing it to piss you off at the start of your meal, but really to make sure that what's in front of you is what you truly wanted and desired when you ordered from me. It's really for your own good. If I don't check back, and I don't find out within the first two bites that your burger is medium as opposed to rare, how will I ever fix it for you? My point is, my coming to check on you is a direct invitation for me to get you whatever you need... don't be shy...I know people freeze up around their server, but please, for the Love of all that's Good and Holy, please don't NOT tell me what you need, only to turn around 30 seconds later and ask a passing server. That makes us angry.

Finally, a little bit of Karma. Late-night, last night, me and Bitchy Accomplice headed to the local Denny's to people-watch, get into a lot fight, save Denny's from mass destruction, and spread a little cheer. Denny's is a shit hole...at least the one we strolled into at 2:00 last night (this morning). Bitchy Accomplice and I had only been there minutes before a seven-top of ghetto kids strolled in. They were obnoxiously loud and rude...the way they acted in public would have put their mothers' to shame. And the poor server. He was tryin' to get their order right, but they were the question-askin-while-needin-a-refill-drinkin-extra-napkins-more-lemons-for-my-water-there's-a-hair-somewhere-can-I-get-a-free-meal-ghetto-ass-mother-fuckers that kept changing shit...how ridiculous. One fat bastard had three different plates of food in front of him...insane. The table from hell left right before we did, so I took a gander at the tip...$3 on one table $2 on the other...so $5 on what was probably a $50 or $75...right?? Either way, it had to be more than $30--I just knew he got jipped, so I threw another $5 on the table. I didn't wait to see him find it...I'm sure he was smoking something out back by that point...unless he ran screaming from the restaurant, which is always a possibility. I just hope no one took it...especially the guy who was our server...he sucked! What should I expect, really, it was 2 a.m. Either way, I look at it as good restaurant karma--there is a difference.

Double tomorrow....wee!

Cumulative

In lieu of posting yesterday, I expelled a lot of my energy commenting on a very disturbing blog. His opinions were in response to Raging Server's Tip Etiquette post. Asshole No-Tipper's blog is disturbing because even though he's European, and even though he has been schooled in the way of tipping in the States, he's still going to be one of those who just doesn't tip. I don't think anyone (especially Cheapy McValentine) should get to judge our profession until he has walked one day (a 12-hour day) in our shoes (the shoes that are so old and worn that it's a surprise one night, while walking through the kitchen, that you have a hole...then, you have to drive home after a 12-hour day with a soaking sock and aching feet); he can judge after he's dealt with assholes who don't understand that they are NOT his only table, been blamed for an incorrectly prepared meal, been stiffed after running like a maniac for a table, talked to like he was an idiot, had a big-top of teenage punks, AND dealt with senile people who change their order as he was delivering their meal. After that--he can judge us. Why don't we start a union and demand more pay? This guy doesn't know anything? Ugh. I was sooo worked up about this! I printed it, and took it to work--I had to share this man's ignorance, because evidently some Americans must feel this way too. If you are THAT cheap, and THAT lazy, stay at home and make a frozen pizza--uh, you know they mark that up too! Careful buddy.

I just don't get it. You sit there, and I get you ANYTHING you need, so you don't have to get up and do it yourself. Why wouldn't you want to pay me for that? AND I'm nice to you!!! I don't say the things I really WANT to say...

• "Would you like a straw for your salsa, sir?"


• "Did you read the fucking menu?"


• "Let me guess, water, two full lemons, and extra sugar?"


• "Do you bathe in Ranch, ma'am?"


• "Jesus! You're going to eat ALL that?"


• "If you ignore me, I'll ignore you!"


• not to mention the various obscenities I'd like to scream in some people's faces...

Next topic...well, segue into next topic...I am constructing two lists (of course): Advice for Patrons and Advice for Employees/Employers. Here's what I've got so far...

Advice for Restaurant Patrons:

1. You have come into an establishment to be served, eat good food, and visit with your company. You know that I will be approaching your table momentarily, and will probably require your attention. Please stop talking! Stifle your conversation for thirty seconds so I can do my job. I have been known to leave the table and not come back until the table waves at me. I'm sure you don't want that to happen, but if you are a gabber and this has happened to you, now you know why.
2. No tappy--no touchy. Do not touch me, tug on my shirt, poke me, smack my arm, and the like. Tugging on shirts is what small children do when they are trying to get their parents' attention--I'm sure you hate it when your three-year-old does it, DON'T DO IT TO ME. I once had a table tug on my shirt while I was talking with another table...I didn't respond, but he persisted. I turned around and told him he had lost his turn. I'll say it again, You touch me, you lose a turn. That's it. I don't have any problem immediately dropping your check and silently kicking you out of my life. It's unacceptable.
3. Don't steal my fucking condiments. Just don't do it. I have to go in the back, get new salt and pepper shakers, fill those fuckers, which always makes a mess. Whatever. It's just a hassle for all parties involved. So, don't do it.
4. Do not shake your fucking glass at me. Wave to me, I'll come see what you want. Shaking your glass is rude and it makes you look like an asshole. Normal people let their servers come to the table. Some people think they are helping because that way I don't have to wall all the way to the table just to walk away, but then they don't mind asking me for a side of ranch every time I go to the table. Bottom line: shaking your glass is disrespectful. I hate it, and so does every other server I know.
5. It never fails, the instant I go to take someone's order, they throw a chip in their mouth--then, they proceed to do the big-eyed, exaggerated, quick-chew, while pointing because I obviously didn't see you throw the chip in your mouth...So, please rise above the hunger, do what you have to do, but know that I'm standing at the table for a reason, chances are, I'm going to talk to you; so, don't shove something in your face before responding. It's rude and stupid.
6. READ THE FUCKING MENU.
7. Clean up after your offspring. If you do not clean up after whatever bodily fluids, cheerios, baby food, spaghetti mess your child has left please compensate your server. I'm sure there are times, while you are cleaning up after your child at home, that you think to yourself, "I should get paid for this..." But then you look at your beautiful child and know that it is all worth it. Well, we don't feel like that AT ALL. If we wanted to clean up after your children we would have worked in a day care. We hate tables with children more than we hate tables of "waters with no ice," senile tables, and ghetto tables combined--simply because of the mess that is left all over the world once you are gone. If you choose not to clean up after your little bundle of joy, please compensate me...otherwise, it's just not fair. It's a smack in the face when a family comes in, their bill is $30, and they leave me $5 and a shitload of baby guck, schmutz, smegma, covered in cheerios, and hand prints all over my window. Thanks.
8. At least ask before rearranging furniture. You're not renting the space, you are a guest, and we have allowed you a table. Just ask. It's fine that you're bringing all your friends to our establishment, but have the decency to ask permission. Thank you.

Advice for Employees

1. Just say no. If I ask you if you want to switch/take a shift, please, just say you can't. I don't need your entire life story. I just need a yes/no, so I can take the proper actions.
2. If you are not a team-player, you will be Black Listed, which means that the team will now, no longer help you.
3. Talking about your sex-life with co-workers who are new/acquaintances, is gross--not to mention insanely annoying.
4. If you can't take proper care of your tables ask for help. If you cannot ask for help don't get upset when I take your table.

Open tomorrow.

Livin' the Dream

Tonight's shift was a "freebie"--I picked up for a friend, and considering it's a Tuesday, I didn't expect to make much money...$70 later I'm glad I could help. :)

People were weird tonight, and I wondered, at one point, if I was whispering because no one seemed to hear me all night. But then again, people were just weird too...it is a full moon...
This one table, a 40-something couple, orders two burgers. I usually don't ask what temp because I figure they'll tell me otherwise. The woman orders her burger, then the man. He requests that his burger be cooked medium rare. At that, I did check with the woman, to which she asked for medium. I said, "Alright, that's our standard temp." The man, looked at me wide-eyed and cupped his ear, "Did you just say 'They're pretty much the same'??" Of course I did NOT say that medium and medium rare is the same because that's just idiodic. "No, sir..." and I repeated my statement. Why would I say something like that?? I guess some have...who knows.

Oh, I had this other guy--he and his wife and daughter are regulars in our establishment. The guy is kinda loud and brash at times, but his wife makes up for it with kindness and patience. Their daughter is surprisingly well-behaved, so somehow, it balances out. Well, just to preface, tonight we were out of linens, which we use to wrap tortillas with, so the kitchen was forced to use wax paper. When I came to check-back, the man says "What dingbat thought of using wax paper??" To which I replied, "Well, sir, when we run out of linens, we have to get creative. Sorry for the inconvenience." That shut him up, and his cute, passive wife just snickered. I heard her say as I walked away, "I told you there was a good explanation for it..." Teehee. What a douchebag.

Tonight was a short shift with a fun crew. Positive, light, and easy. Nice. It's about time. :)

Double tomorrow.

True not False

You can tell everything you need to know about a person by the way he/she treats your waiter.

The Positivity Plan

In light of my resolution to remain a positive being while "on display," I've been writing down a list of things I absolutely love about waiting tables. This is definitely a list I will be adding to in future posts.

The things I love about being a server:

1. I love fat men who take the most obvious isle seat. This could definitely apply to fat women and children. Now that I think about it, this can also apply to families who insist their child's high-chair sit directly in the isle-way. I'm a big girl, and my restaurant was definintely not made with the big guy/gal in mind, but you do have to be conscious of it to a degree. I understand that the Law of Exceptions allows that there may be situations where the man/woman/child/high-chair has no other option, obviously, it is NOT their fault. However, when there is another option, and it is not taken--for whatever reason--I think they do it on purpose. Grrr.

2. I love tables who completely ignore my check-back. For those of you who don't understand the lingo, a check-back is done a few minutes after the app/entree/dessert is delivered--just to make sure everything is okay. I walked up to this two-top the other day, to do my check-back, and neither of them even looked up from their conversation. I just said, "Glad to here it, Ladies," and walked away. They're lucky nothing was wrong with their meals or I would have flipped out!

3. I love when the "App-Girl" fills the salsa bin to the tipity-top so that even the smallest ladle makes the biggest mess! Also with this bout of love, I want to include that she also waits to fill the salsa bin until someone is standing there scraping the bottom with a soup spoon. Then, she proceeds to take big jugs of salsa and plops it in the bin--salsa-ing the nearest server. (Just to clarify, we have an app station that is closer to the dining room--some appetizers and all the chips come out here, and there is usually one "app girl" running the show.)

4. I love the prospect of a Secret Shopper. The restaurant I'm in currently has the most secret shoppers of any restaurant I have ever worked in. We get two a month. (I've always experienced one secret shopper quarterly.) You know the signs of a secret shopper--everyone does--they come from the bar (sometimes, not always), or they order a bar drink; they order appetizers, and, usually, they ask questions about the menu. They each get entrees usually as well. Sometimes, another obvious sign is that the tables will ask for their server's name (which we are NOT required to tell them). In any event, if a server suspects a table of being a Secret Shopper, they immediately inform the manager, who does a table-call; thus, perfecting, yet another Secret Shopper.

5. I love people who order things "for later." Sometimes, as a table is ordering their meal, they will tell me of an entirely different drink they want with their dinner. This is annoying because I can't ring it in right away--I have to wait for your food. This creates a problem because I have some difficulty with short-term memory, and even if I write it down, I just won't remember to look. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a bad server, but it annoys me when people do this.

6. I love when managers refuse to buy a guests' meal when they blatantly found a foreign object in their food. A two-top of regulars (they are in multiple times a week), ordered their entrees only to find a hair in one of the dishes. The server (not me this time) took the entree to the kitchen, and they made the nice-old-regular a fresh dish. When the server was preparing the check, she asked the manager if he would take off their meal. It seemed as though, the only way this manager would take the food off is if they didn't want it remade. I guess that makes sense, but when you're dealing with regulars, I think they should get the "hook-up" every now and then. I like to hook up the regulars (which I really can't do where I work now). It makes them feel even better about throwing money at you! :)

7. I love moron hostesses.

8. I love being skipped in rotation.

9. I love when the bussers use clean tables to clean dirty tables. The busser went to clean one of my tables, and he proceeded to place his dirty-schmegma-covered-dirty-ass-tray on one of my nice clean tables, while he piled the crap on it from the dirty one. Ugh. That doesn't make any sense now, does it?

10. I love how kids meals tend to take FOREVER on a busy Friday night.

11. I love how guests pay so little attention they don't even know who their server is. I had a table the other night, who was a little consumed in their own world, but whatever. After I've dropped the check, I see them handing it to another server. (This "other server" is about three inches shorter than I am, has blond hair--I have brown--and she's nearly nine months pregnant.) I walk up to meet her at the table to see if I can do something--I am their server! As I'm walking up, I hear my table thank the other server, then she hands the server two fives and says, "One's for you, and the other's for the baby." What?! She's not even your server! I know I'm a big girl, but I definitely do NOT look nine months pregnant! Oh, how disturbing!

12. I love people who choose to sit at dirty tables.

13. I love campers. For those of you unsure of the vernacular, "campers" are those people who have completed their meal, received the check, made payment, and have proceeded to pitch a tent in their server's section. They pitch a tent, build a fire, snuggle up with blankets, and chat around the camp. Boo. If you are going to sit--compensate your server. What this means is, $$$$. If you are sitting two hours after you have paid, you have just cost me at least 2 tables worth of tips. I am basically paying you to stay there--please don't do it. Especially on a Friday night! Please! I'm begging! If you do plan to sit, make your server aware, and tell him/her that you will be compensating them for their time. Thank you.

14. I love when tables say they need something "in a minute." I get people all them time, who tell me they need something "in a minute." Well, considering that MY JOB is to anticipate your needs, would you mind letting me do just that. Today, I was delivering food at a table, and I asked them if they needed anything else, the man told me that he would need another diet coke "in a minute." He had nearly 3/4 of his gigantic diet coke, and I just nodded to his request, but part of my job is keeping an eye on tables to see if I can bring them anything, right? Of course you're going to need a refill--that's pretty much why I'm here. Other than refills I'm pretty much useless. Ugh.

So, there it is, my Lovely list! :)
I'll try to stay positive at work, but I think that means my blogging will be more frequent.

Round Table: Service Industry Blog Carnival

Welcome
to
This Week's
Bitchy Edition
of
"The Round Table"
Vol. VIII

Welcome to my humble abode...Come in, have a seat--let's chat about this week's cream of the crop, the funniest of the funny, and some of the most original server posts I've read. I'll keep you up to date, point you in a different direction with some new-comers, and make you laugh like never before with some ridiculous stories/posts I found...okay, this is gonna be fun, kids! Shit, you might even learn something! :) Enjoy!

Raging Server's Ranch Rant is a painfully true story. Poor Ribeye, working with an abscess!—Much worse than ANY of my days! His story makes me feel like a complete bitch--I would've stabbed someone if I were in that much pain, and dealing with such dirty slime! Extreme Kudos to you, Ribeye, for sticking it out!

This week, Ali's guests played games and got a little too comfortable in her bar. She was forced to break some hearts (poor drunk regular). No worries, though, I'm sure he'll be back, cause she's "priddy" I don't know who's worse--flirty drunk man or weird, close-talker?? But Ali knows how to make it work and make that money! Congrats on the high score, Ali!

Even though Upset Waitress is taking a much-needed break from the serving scene, I know this won't be the last we hear from her! Enjoy your vacation!
UW's Winter Wonderland antics can put a smile on any Bitch's face! I think she and I must have been fellow-servers in a previous life--not only does she support the Kitchen Olympics, but she also likes to heat things up! :) In addition, I am pleased to announce that UW has finally posted an Official Disclaimer! Wow! That explains sooo much...FYI, the vocal chord paralysis is sporadic, and the brain lesions take a few weeks to heal...

The Carnival, this ever-expanding Round Table, is what introduced me to Restaurant Gal. Her charm goes unmet, and her perspectives are original and endearing. I'm definitely a fan. RG also shares a lovely story about positivity and "going with the flow" (an ability I tend to lack!), and keeping peace and serenity at work--I had to share. Delightful.

There's never a dull moment over at the Award Winning, Well Done Fillet! Manuel's suave moves and non-shakespearean vernacular make for an entertaining read.

Cassy over at Half Server/Half Amazing is having a productive week! Learning a new menu, and inventing delicious beverages! (I can barely make a margarita!) Well done! Also, Cassy has posted, quite possibly, the funniest video I have ever seen! Thanks Cassy! :)

Newcomer, Bitter Waitress...I love her already! Her posts are smooth, and her words ring crystal clear. My favorite post so far is retrospective, funny, and inspiring. And if that doesn't get you, her headline today will: "Passive aggression is not a game to be played by children like you." Perfect. :)

Insane Waiter and I share one inarguable truth: We both, admittingly, enjoy making the idiots we serve look like asses whenever possible! I love it! While you're perusing his sight, check out his post on tipping laws and taxes too! Get Educated!

Adding to his list of pet peeves, Lobster Boy discusses his feelings on patrons with obvious substance abuse problems. After a grueling Super Bowl Shift, I hope LB got a couple days off! Poor Lobster! I can't lie, I have a crush on the little crustacean...what can I say? He's hysterical!

I was amazed to read Dennis' article on the Natural Disaster-Themed Restaurant. It's a facsinating concept, but I'm not sure if hurricans and earthquakes are necessarily appetizing...

Last, but certainly not least, I am sad to announce a bittersweet end to a terrific blog! The creator of "I Server Idiots" has decided to move on to brighter possibilities after an 18-month stretch. Good luck, Ryan!

Well, there you have it, folks! The Eighth Edition Round Table is complete! Thanks for stopping by! Happy Reading!


Your Bitchiest,
Bitchy Waitress

P.S.

I realize that yesterday's post is completely contradictory--it's okay.
I think I need to bitch somewhere or I will explode...I just need to stop bitching at work...I'll save it for you fine people!! :) Thanks for reading!