I just don't get it. You sit there, and I get you ANYTHING you need, so you don't have to get up and do it yourself. Why wouldn't you want to pay me for that? AND I'm nice to you!!! I don't say the things I really WANT to say...
- "Would you like a straw for your salsa, sir?"
- "Did you read the fucking menu?"
- "Let me guess, water, two full lemons, and extra sugar?"
- "Do you bathe in Ranch, ma'am?"
- "Jesus! You're going to eat ALL that?"
- "If you ignore me, I'll ignore you!"
- not to mention the various obscenities I'd like to scream in some people's faces...
Next topic...well, segue into next topic...I am constructing two lists (of course): Advice for Patrons and Advice for Employees/Employers. Here's what I've got so far...
Advice for Restaurant Patrons:
- You have come into an establishment to be served, eat good food, and visit with your company. You know that I will be approaching your table momentarily, and will probably require your attention. Please stop talking! Stifle your conversation for thirty seconds so I can do my job. I have been known to leave the table and not come back until the table waves at me. I'm sure you don't want that to happen, but if you are a gabber and this has happened to you, now you know why.
- No tappy--no touchy. Do not touch me, tug on my shirt, poke me, smack my arm, and the like. Tugging on shirts is what small children do when they are trying to get their parents' attention--I'm sure you hate it when your three-year-old does it, DON'T DO IT TO ME. I once had a table tug on my shirt while I was talking with another table...I didn't respond, but he persisted. I turned around and told him he had lost his turn. I'll say it again, You touch me, you lose a turn. That's it. I don't have any problem immediately dropping your check and silently kicking you out of my life. It's unacceptable.
- Don't steal my fucking condiments. Just don't do it. I have to go in the back, get new salt and pepper shakers, fill those fuckers, which always makes a mess. Whatever. It's just a hassle for all parties involved. So, don't do it.
- Do not shake your fucking glass at me. Wave to me, I'll come see what you want. Shaking your glass is rude and it makes you look like an asshole. Normal people let their servers come to the table. Some people think they are helping because that way I don't have to wall all the way to the table just to walk away, but then they don't mind asking me for a side of ranch every time I go to the table. Bottom line: shaking your glass is disrespectful. I hate it, and so does every other server I know.
- It never fails, the instant I go to take someone's order, they throw a chip in their mouth--then, they proceed to do the big-eyed, exaggerated, quick-chew, while pointing because I obviously didn't see you throw the chip in your mouth...So, please rise above the hunger, do what you have to do, but know that I'm standing at the table for a reason, chances are, I'm going to talk to you; so, don't shove something in your face before responding. It's rude and stupid.
- READ THE FUCKING MENU.
- Clean up after your offspring. If you do not clean up after whatever bodily fluids, cheerios, baby food, spaghetti mess your child has left please compensate your server. I'm sure there are times, while you are cleaning up after your child at home, that you think to yourself, "I should get paid for this..." But then you look at your beautiful child and know that it is all worth it. Well, we don't feel like that AT ALL. If we wanted to clean up after your children we would have worked in a day care. We hate tables with children more than we hate tables of "waters with no ice," senile tables, and ghetto tables combined--simply because of the mess that is left all over the world once you are gone. If you choose not to clean up after your little bundle of joy, please compensate me...otherwise, it's just not fair. It's a smack in the face when a family comes in, their bill is $30, and they leave me $5 and a shitload of baby guck, schmutz, smegma, covered in cheerios, and hand prints all over my window. Thanks.
- At least ask before rearranging furniture. You're not renting the space, you are a guest, and we have allowed you a table. Just ask. It's fine that you're bringing all your friends to our establishment, but have the decency to ask permission. Thank you.
Advice for Employees
- Just say no. If I ask you if you want to switch/take a shift, please, just say you can't. I don't need your entire life story. I just need a yes/no, so I can take the proper actions.
- If you are not a team-player, you will be Black Listed, which means that the team will now, no longer help you.
- Talking about your sex-life with co-workers who are new/acquaintances, is gross--not to mention insanely annoying.
- If you can't take proper care of your tables ask for help. If you cannot ask for help don't get upset when I take your table.